The Making of a Misfit, Pt. II

Posted: June 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 The Making of a Misfit, Pt. 2

 

So, and what was that second thing that our anti-hero did that was so life changing? Slade threw his first punch. An event that would define who and what he would become and remain for many years to come.
He had been at school and was being picked on by several kids at thee school. they would run up behind him and push him to the ground then run away before he could get up. He remembers feeling helpless and frustrated, but he also remembers feeling something else that he was unfamiliar with. Slade explains it as a panicky pressure that kept building and building until finally it snapped. One moment he was setting there being bullied and the next thing he says he knew was he was staring down at one of the bullies as he laid on the ground crying. He was holding the side of his head. what he noticed most of all, however, was the look of fear on the other kids face. In this moment Slade understood what it felt like to be in control of a situation, to have power over another person. He understood that for the first time in his life he had control over what was happening to him. He perhaps would have been better off taking his first hit of Meth at this point. He now knew how to make others leave him alone. If they will not listen to your mouth, they will listen to your fist. Not a great thing to believe by any standards.
Slade began using violence as a means to control those around him and to enforce his will on others. He was for the first time in his life in control of that around him. With the exception of course in the area of his step dad and his family. However, he had found a way to act out his anger at his step dad, through his little sister. We will call her JoAnn. JoAnn had been born two years earlier and as the results of Kaye and John’s relationship. Being the daughter of John, in Slade’s eyes, made her thee enemy and a spawn of the hated step dad. This made her thee target of everything angry Slade felt concerning John. JoAnn became the focus of almost everything done out of anger and spite and hate of John. JoAnn was a victim and was guilt free, but in the angry hurt mind of Slade she was guilty simply for being Johns daughter.
The next several years would see Slade become a person incapable of caring for others or for himself. His PTSD would bloom fully as nightmares would keep him awake many nights and his anxiety and fears would increase drastically. as these years went on Slades behavior deteriorated into nothing short of pure chaos and rebellion. He began stealing from his step father and mother, his fights were almost on a daily basis, even to the near point of using weapons suck as sticks and such. to put it blatantly, he became quite the monster. He showed the world nothing but anger, hate and bitterness, though underneath it all was the feeling of not wanting to be treated poorly and victimized by his peers again. He had been the victim, now, it was someone else’s turn to play the role. At this point in life all was a war for him and the only way to survive was to be the one doing the killing, figuratively of course. When you look at it the truth of the matter was this, he was scared. Handled it poorly, but in the end, this was about fear.
during this time Slade went several times from his mother to James, each time James pawned him back off on Kaye after only a couple of months. Slades interpretation of this was that it had t be his fault. James was a god and could not possibly be to blame. Slade recalls thinking that if James disapproved of him then it must be because he was not good enough for his father. Never once did he think James was an asshole. It was HIS fault, not the irresponsible adults. Meanwhile thee nightmares and a case of insomnia was getting bad. bad enough to the point that he was losing sleep at unhealthy levels. He had lost all interest in school and was often in the principles office for misbehaving and began to fall behind his fellow students. Which in turn landed him in special education and therefor making him “stupid” to the others in his classes. He was not “stupid” however. just the opposite, he was and is actually a rather intelligent individual who possess an above average IQ. He simply lost interest. Well, except for one class, writing. This class he loved. The ability to escape his crappy existence and write about things that were not real but also not his life. He soon found himself spending more and more time in fantasy worlds and spending more time trying to avoid this one. He had had enough of this one.
It was also around 9-10 (he is unsure when) that he began having thoughts of what it would be like to die. Day dreaming of dying in terrible ways such as being on a roller coaster that jumps the rail, or falling from a towering cliff. He became fixated on the act of dying. It became a very consuming thing for him. after his great uncle, Bessie’s husband died, a man he loved dearly, he didn’t even react to it. It was as though it didn’t register or that he saw it as no big deal. He loved this man but his death was nothing more than a morbid fascination at most. Much of his days at this point were spent either with Wade, or alone and thinking about dying. at age 10 he took this even further………………………..

Advertisements

Comments are closed.