A Day in The Life of a Mental/emotional Disorder

Posted: July 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I awake this morning and immediately realize something is wrong. I was not quite sure what, but it’s there. I feel it. This feeling of being off balance, not quite centered. Yes, it’s there, and it means trouble for me internally. as i board the bus and begin my journey to the Lindholm Center, more commonly known as the “Service Station” so that i can eat and shower before my Vocational Rehabilitation class this afternoon it begins to dig into my psych. By the time i reach the service station i am in the grip of a fairly strong depression. It’s there eating into my every thought, making my existence hell today.  I try to divert my thoughts, to concentrate on something else, but it doesn’t help at all. nothing i do can interfere with the hurt and darkness I feel in my head and in my heart this morning.

So what are these thoughts that are keeping me chained to the depression? I dwell on the past. Both what has been done to me and what i have done to others. I think of how things could be different had i been treated or treated others, differently. How the things done then have made things today a mess. I think about my situation, being homeless, being broke, and not able to find work regardless of what efforts i make.  Realizing i may very well die the person i am now, broke, homeless outcast from society. I feel the emptiness and hurt of loneliness. The knowledge that when your homeless your constantly alone and forced into a reclusive life. I miss companionship, the feel of having someone there, of feeling the bonds of human affection and kindness. you never know how good it is to feel the touch of another human being until you’ve lost it. The thought of being broke, homeles and alone in a society that could care less is what i can not remove from my head. It roots itself in and takes hold as if it’s very life depends on the hurt, pain and hopelessness it inspires in me. I set here writing  this at 11:44am. I still have an entire day ahead of me. Medication for it? Can not afford it. Therapy? same. For those of us who deal with this type of issue we are forced to deal with it on our own. We suffer, we try to survive and some try to drown it in drink or drugs. Yet others find escape from it in the form of a razor to the wrist or a lea from a tall building or worse.

Why did i bring this up and post this today? Why did i make my personal issue public with this? Because the issues i suffer are very typical of those of the homeless community who suffer from mental/emotional issues. Many of us deal with this on a very normal basis. Read my post on the mentally ill and homelessness. It’s all very real. It’s all very unfortunate that there is nothing to help us deal with it.

Respectfully,

EW

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