Archive for December, 2011

I set thinking that this may very well be a waste of time as i ride to my latest Voc Rehab meeting today at 1:00. job searching has become a four letter word in my mind as it has been nothing but a reaffirmation of negativity in my mind for the last several years. It ranks up there with the list of four letter words really, shit, fuck, work, it all sounds the same to me after years of trying to get on my feet and failing to do so.  the very thought of getting back int the job search routine now that the red tape of voc Rehab is complete instills a feeling of depression and anxiety in me, but it is as i am thinking of this another thought dawns on me.  A thought that drags me screaming into a long painful path of pensive thought and dark reminiscing.

On February 5th i will be living through my 27th year anniversary of being in the judicial system. This brought to thee forefront of my thinking memories of many many bad times in my life and of even more bad things committed in the name of hate, anger and bitterness. A quagmire of negativity that brought about a lot of pain, suffering and hurt to myself and more importantly people who were innocent of everything other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Of these 27 years i have spent 21 of them incarcerated, starting when i was 13 years old.  I think back on the person i was then and the things i have done and i feel nothing but regret, sorrow, guilt over thing acts i have committed and the people i have hurt in my life. I look back on the swirl of anger,hatred and bitterness that even at a young age i had allowed to turn me into what can only be defined as a monster. I think back on how i could have done better at managing my own hurt and feelings of helplessness, how i could have redirected that mess into more productive uses, but when your 13 years old what do you know? As these thoughts linger in my head i find myself adrift in a sea of darkness and chaos that was my past, a storm of rage that hurt everything in its way and ripped itself to pieces in the process. I relive what it felt like to be a young kid who was lost in a life he did not choose, that felt helpless, hopeless. The small kid who turned to rage and violence to cope in a life he felt he was always at war with. I remember how out of control i was and how lost to the world i was for most of my younger life.

However, this is not all i think of, for i also have the last 10 years to think about. The struggle, pain and remorse that comes from honest change, from realizing that you are screwed up and you do not like it.  Change is the most terrifying thing in the world and i fought every step of the way. I delve into the memories of how hard i have fought, how i have faced fears, pain and frustration in my quest to become something better, to evolve into a decent human being.  for many years now i have put a huge part of my energy into being the type of person i want to be and not the person I allowed life to make me. I have over 15 years of counseling, both group and individual, that i have applied to begin me, and not the little beast i was at one time. I have worked to banish thee old angry me to the depths of history and to unlock a better, much improved me.  I realize that i have come form being an incorrigible youth that many including myself at one time considered beyond redeem ability to become a responsible, worthwhile adult who has done a lot to be a good person. I see that i have evolved into something decent.

After thinking about all of this i finally come to the conclusion that the 5th of February should not be a day to regret and despair over who i was, but instead, it is a day i should celebrate for all of my growth and self empowerment, for my evolution. I should celebrate who i am now, not who i was so long ago.

Change is a journey that requires much devotion to self, pain, frustration and hurt, but when it is all said and done, the end result is something beautiful.  Something that can not have a price placed apron it. Most of all, it is an admirable feat that will show the true person behind the mask.